Today I bid goodbye to somebody who I have never met but someone so dear to me that he's my flesh. I have lost my second baby, Damien and this afternoon at 1 p.m, I had a D&C and Damien is physically out of my life.
I found out when I pregnant when nursing Daniel seemed painful back in mid July. Immediately I knew I was pregnant and the kit was tested positive. I have no idea why this time of pregnancy, I seem to have more "fears" than the time when I was pregnant back in 2007 with Daniel. With unrest, I needed a gynae's confirmation. So on 23rd July, I went to Dr. Tan. He closes on Tuesday. So off I went to Puteri for Dr. Ding. He had so many patients that the clinic had stopped taking in new ones. Great. Just then I recalled seeing a "maternity specialist" at Sentosa. Off I went to Dr. Loke.
Dr Loke let me hear Damien's heartbeat and said I was 6 week pregnant! He even circled the heartbeat to show Damien was alive and well. Wow... 6 weeks... A life has been in me for 6 weeks and I hardly knew it.
I preferred Dr Tan so that very weekend I went to Dr Tan. He too congratulated me. He told me to come back in a month's time. So I lived a life like a pregnant woman... with nausea and lethargy. Dreading the times to breastfeed as it hurt like crazy.
2 weeks passed, I felt uneasy. I dragged my husband to see Dr Tan on 9th August. Could it be Holy Spirit whispering? Maternal instinct? I think God used both. I just had to see a gynae with ZX.
My baby did grow to a size of a 9-week. Good! But Dr Tan has a puzzled look. He said he can't find the heartbeat. He told me to come again the next week as he was sure the baby did grow. I didn't seem to be very shocked. But still, to wait for a week with uncertainties... Would I be able to rest? Immediately I went to Dr Loke who I think is more straightforward. And on the spot he told me he was sorry that my baby is gone.
The heart wrenching moment was when the heartbeat chart was... empty. Just 2 weeks ago, I saw dynamic up and down lines. That day it was... silence.
My breaking point came when I went back to Dr Ding. Dr Ding the gynae who I had for Daniel explained to me more thoroughly. The moment he said my baby is quite big and and pointed out his head, buttocks and his limbs... that was the time it really hit me that I didn't lose some tissue or fats. I have lost a child. I think he deserves a name after all, cuz I know I will see him in heaven one day in the Lord's arms.
His name is Damien, a tamer, a spirit...
